Saturday, February 9, 2013

Day 289 - Should We Have Control?


In the previous post I outlined how diabetics, who suffer from bulimia will control their insulin injections to get the desired affect of being skinny/thin, and how through the loss of regulation of the pancreas by the body, the human `gains` control over itself and the ability to manipulate the body into the form/shape that it wants to see in the mirror - and how when I was suicidal and had/have the control over the insulin requirements/injections of the body and I used that control to consider ending myself as life in order to attempt to make the outcome conform to my view of love/acceptance within the mind and conform to my want of love/acceptance within the mind by ending myself wherein I thought that death would give me the love/acceptance/feelings/emotions/energy that I wanted/desired - so I questioned within myself should I have control over the body? And why, when I have control, abuse/manipulate/harm/destroy that which I have control over, and then why is the value of love/acceptance from others in this world so much more important that the physical well being of myself to the extent that I would `end` my life in order to get this energetic response in/as emotions/feelings within the definition of love/acceptance from another. So if this is who I become when/as I have a point of control of myself, realize a point of `control` of myself should I have control of myself? If I am going to harm myself in order to get an emotional/feeling reaction from another or myself then what the fuck?

Clearly this is a mental illness within myself, the mental illness which is defined in/as the want for love or acceptance from another or society and this mental illness is related to the ideas/beliefs/wants/desires imprinted into myself from childhood based on environmental factors that I've accepted through the media, or through my parents way of upbringing, or through other influences in my environment as I was `growing up`, and then when/as I get control over a part of myself I use/abuse/manipulate this `ability` to control myself, control the body to get what I wanted/desired of/as acceptance/love through the act of committing suicide, I guess the same thing can be said with bulimics wherein as they realize that they can control the intake of food to get the desired result that is within the mind, the abuse the control of food to get the desired result of the mind and consequently harm life/destroy life - and in looking at the entirety of the world and the point of control, wherein we as humans are attempting to control nature, control other societies, control each other, control ourselves, control habitats, control the animals, control plants/trees, control the water, control the pollution, control the rate of money, control the government, control the people, control the viruses, control the weather, control the earth in itself, we are creating a very fucked up world for the next generation to be birthed into, creating a very fucked up world for any being to be birthed into human/animal/plant/bacteria/marine life etc, because through our desire for control and the desired outcome through/as the want in/as the starting point of self interest such as with war and controlling resources, which could be easily related to bulimia/anorexia, wherein the war with self is within controlling resources, we are destroying ourselves and all life around us at a rate of extinction of not only animals/plants/fungi/other kingdoms/species but ourselves as well, such as within suicide, all to get what we want/desire from the outcome.

From what is here, it is clear that we should not have control at all, because when/as we are attempting to control things from within and from without it is clear that what we do when we attempt control is absolutely abusive and destructive to the living conditions of all life on earth and from the point of control comes the point of the want and desire that the outcome of the event/situation/experience derives from which has been shown that when acted upon destruction occurs, abuse of life occurs, and a total disregard for the well being of life itself exists, as we allow the want/desire to direct control our actions in which we attempt to direct/control others/environments into creating that which we want/desire and so the point of control is quite atrocious when really looking at the scale at which it exists and the abuse/harm/death/destruction of people, animals, plants, water, environments, cultures, ways of life that exists because of this want to control

This want to control within me within the want/desire for love/acceptance/happiness is only directed within me when/as I give it to myself in self care, self trust, self love through giving the physical the requirements it needs and consideration of what is best for all life and action upon that consideration and re-working that consideration into what is best for all, and thus no need for control exists, no need for the want/desire of acceptance or love exists by giving it to myself and thus no need for control to exist because one doesn’t need to manipulate/abuse/harm others/self in order to `get` the want/desire and within giving it to self it is no longer a want/desire as it is not placed as separate from self but self here as the expression of self - and within giving self self, self trust is able to form and from that trust, no more need to control others exists as the trust within self for/as self in living what is best for all is self, and thus you trust yourself and do not need/require to control the outcome to the wants/desires, but work with what is here within what is best for all and self trust.

So clearly this mental disease of/as the want/acceptance from others and to fit in socially developed over time because when born, this fear/anxiety/desire/want for acceptance or to fit in was not existent at that moment, it only was created through influence by this world and supported by the fear within ourselves to trust ourselves in/as walking this life alone in what is best for all. So for me, I see that this want for love/acceptance from others and/or society developed from a memory/experience of being hit by my mother when I was younger where in that moment I expressed myself and was hit for it, allowing the belief that who I am/was in that moment was not good enough for this world, and I was unaccepted by a role of authority in which I had to guide myself from/within/as to how this world works/functions and how to behave in accordance to what is here, and from that moment I saw myself as unaccepted and wanted to be accepted - creating a large mind fuck of personalities in which each is a mental disorder all in order to fit in, be accepted, be `loved` by society/this world, and thus wanted/desired to be such, and attempted to control outcomes to fit/match that desire and when it didn't, even thought I attempted to control the outcome, I become self destructive/abusive and harmed myself.

For each who have this mental illness, which is most of us in this world, we each have a responsibility unto ourselves and this world to stop ourselves, correct ourselves, and stand equal to what is here and not in the attempts to control what is here to match our desires/wants but to trust ourselves in giving life what is best for life instead of hindering/controlling/limiting it and causing destruction/abuse on many many many levels.

I suggest for those who read this to start to participate in http://lite.desteniiprocess.com for assistance and support in giving self self through self investigation and correction in/as the tools provided through the course - and correct the desires/wants into giving self what is best for self as life and all life, because with examples of bulimia and myself in/as suicide self love in/as self acceptance and self trust to live what is best for self as life in/as self love is the solution to the mental illness of the desire/want

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