Sunday, February 17, 2013

Day 293 - Wanting Love/Acceptance Part 4

In looking at this point in the past few days, specifically my behaviour with others in work, I find that I will adapt and change myself in points to fit in with a specific group of people so that I can relate to them and associate myself with them on common grounds, and I have thus accordingly feared walking alone within what is best for myself as life in/as this world, feared standing in/as my own words that I speak, feared committing myself to myself in this life and living what is best for life unconditionally of the reactions of other individuals and feared being an outcast of society, groups and/or individuals. This point I can bring to a definition of/as peer pressure, pressure to fit in with others, pressure to conform and live like others so that I have a common ground in which to communicate/relate upon, instead of living for myself in this world, living for this world, living for/as life in this world. I suppose this fear has always been within me, but in high school for example, I did not care to socialize, I did not care to be accepted/loved by others, I went on my own and started to investigate what I really found fascinating, which was at that point conspiracy theories and esoteric knowledge/information, and I surrounded myself in this, I didn’t go to many parties, and didn't socialize much - I suppose the fear of such lead me to such actions wherein I feared the point of socializing with others and communicating with others where I went into `my own world` and investigated such things. But anyways back to the point of/as changing myself in communication between individuals - so for example at work - I was speaking to a person about leaving work early on certain days, and in this I was agreeing with him that I would most likely leave early on a Friday if it were available to go home, and in one moment later I was communicating with another person whom doesn't leave work early at all, saying that I would most likely be there on the Friday and not leave early or call in late - immediately switching up myself in/as a point of decision all based on who I was talking to in order to relate to the other individual and be accepted by/as them in/as who/how they accept themselves in their living. Not questioning what is best for myself in that moment but living for/as another in/as who they accept themselves as to be accepted by/as them…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself and my behaviour all based on the individual that I am talking to, instead of staying consistent and stable in/as who I am in each breath in/as the decision to live what is best for myself as life - and to live what is best for all as life, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself harshly for living in such a manner when/as it is clear to me now that we've all done this in our lives in/as the social structures and conformities within the house we grow up in,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value other's opinions of myself rather than valuing myself in/as how I am living myself in this world and whether or not I am in fact content with myself in/as who/how I am living in this world into eternity, meaning that when I die all I have is me, and if I've lived for/as another's opinion of myself throughout my life then when I die I am left with nothing as it has all been for another and when I die that other is not there, thus I am left with nothing of/as who I am in stability and content in/as the decision of this is who I am with myself in context of living habits and patterns that are based on the principle of what is best for all life, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find out what it really means to live for myself in this world by not putting the effort forth into allowing myself to bring myself back here with myself and looking at who and how I am living and whether or not this living is stable within the principle of what is best for all life and I am `satisfied` with myself to infinity of this is what I stand for in this life, and this is who I am in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize/see/understand that who I am has become a nothingness within this world because who I am is all based off of conditions of acceptance/love from another individual and I have worked/molded myself consistently into fitting another's perception/image of what is acceptable, but really it is in fact my own perception/image of what is acceptable around that person, trying to be accepted in this world through the feeling of not being accepted in this world brought on by being hit as a child, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand on my own two feet in consistency and stability of what I will decide to allow myself to live in/as this world through seeing the consequences of my actions in my life and in life all ways, and commit myself to myself to remain stable in/as my decisions to walk this life within what is best for all in all ways and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that this point of molding myself into/as personalities/characters and mimicking others can be utilized in a way to show other people themselves in/as their actions that their consequences to support them in seeing who they are and what they are allowing within themselves, and not to be used as a point of fear and a point of want to be accepted/loved/approved by others in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment/anger/frustration when I do not get the love/acceptance that I wanted within communicating with another being, and allow the feeling of a lack of self worth to consume me because through valuing the other's acceptance and/or love of myself allow myself to believe that I do not have any self worth when/as I do not believe or feel that they have given me what I wanted in context of love/acceptance and accordingly allow myself to sabotage myself and go into self destructive behaviour within/as the lack of self worth and self love that I have abdicated from giving myself throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to remove all ties with the individual in which I was wanting love/acceptance from when I feel/believe that I have not gotten that acceptance, not allowing myself to face myself in/as the want for love/acceptance and the reactions there within the want, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that when removing myself entirely from the relationship when/as I do not receive what I was looking for from/as another individual I am running away from facing myself in/as the reaction and what caused the reaction - where were the little specific points in which I started to react to, and correct myself in/as seeing them/facing myself as them and living the point of change of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to be accepted by another individual to have worth here in the physical reality - and in this create the belief that I am inferior to all others here in the physical - and that through another accepting me in this world I am thus equal to the worth in which I've viewed the other individual within/as - not realizing/seeing that here in the physical we've all come from the dust of the earth and are all equal, no inferiority, no superiority, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for worth of myself in/as life outside of myself, instead of looking within self honesty here within me with who I accept myself as, and whether or not who I accept myself as is best for all life - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as `this or that` limiting myself to being `this or that` instead of realizing seeing that the `this or that` was all created by self from nothing, and thus that `this or that` was not already here as me in birth and thus the `this or that` is not who I am in fact but all created throughout time in childhood through influences and factors in which I decided as a child that `this or that` is who/what I will become and live as and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to validate the `who I am` created from nothingness and remains as nothingness, by looking/wanting another to accept this `who I am` as worthy , worthy being the acceptance of communication with the `who I am`, being the willingness to be around me in/as the `who I am` in that specific moment, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to validate myself as nothingness in/as the personalities/characters that I've created and lived as through the acceptance/love of another of the `who I am`


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my words, my behaviours around specific people whom I've attached a point of value to, always living for them, living for their acceptance of myself, living for their approval of who I am, instead of allowing myself to be here with myself in understanding what/how I am living and the consequences of such behaviour manifested in this world and accordingly correct myself for myself to be able to live with myself in this lifetime, allowing myself to bring myself back here with me and make sure that who I am in every breath is stable and consistent with being able to live with myself into/as eternity, in which I cannot say that I am at this point as my actions and behaviours have been consistently out of the desire for the approval/acceptance/love of another individual or group or society or culture

No comments:

Post a Comment