What I've found within the point of communicating for positivity/acceptance/love from another is that this character/behaviourism/personalities is the relationship construct in which I've developed throughout time and imprinted into the physical wherein as I communicate with another individual, male or female, I allow and become this character of communicating for positivity/acceptance/love to put my `best face forward` and have the other accept me within a positive definition and/or in/as the thought process of `I like that guy` in both males and females, females being more of a sexual variation of the character and with males it being a friendship variation wherein I suppose I could say with males I would want to be seen more as `cool` and fit in with the social group and with females want to be seen as sexy and/or attractive, nonetheless within this want for acceptance/love from another individual comes the relationship character - the personality that I dawn when interacting with other human beings in which I want to be accepted/approved by and thus become a `positive` `bubbly` person and speak words in which I am not standing equal and one to within the physical, because when interacting with a female today I found that I quickly went into this personality and spoke words reactively in/as the personality and persona in which I made jokes and played around without awareness of myself, like seriously, all the words that came out of my mouth in which were in a specific tonality came from a point within me wherein I was completely reactive and not in control of the words that I was speaking and this is scary from the perspective that essentially I am creating consequence in which I have no control over because in those moments when I am in the personality of the relationship character/construct I am not in control of myself in breath but in a constant reaction of/as looking for and wanting and attempting to create points of positivity within the communication between myself and another individual. In speaking with the girl it took me a long time to calm myself down and stop reacting in/as the fear/want/desire of being accepted/loved/seen as attractive/positive to her and in that moment I saw that there was nothing to speak about, nothing to say because all my words and behaviours were from the point of positivity and as I let that point go within a moment I had nothing to say because there was not a care within me to continue to be seen as positive/attractive and there wasn’t the want to be accepted/loved by her nor the fear of being seen otherwise. Although I still communicated with her after I calmed myself down in the point of the positivity and the want to be accepted/loved it was easier to let go in a breath and not continue within the reaction of what if I said the right thing or if I caused positive or negative reactions within her etc. I found the similar thing existing within me when communicating with friends or co-workers wherein I didn't have much to say and didn’t contribute much to the conversation when calming myself down and not reacting with words in attempts to add my 2 cents to the conversation and/or create a positive veil of/as myself in/as who I am within the words that I speak/spoke, I was stable and looking at the words that were being spoke by the others, and choosing whether or not to participate in the conversation(s) that were taking place, and in doing so I wasn't as `bubbly` as the character is, not as `positive` as the character is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within/as the relationship character when speaking to other individuals attempting to create a point of relationship between myself and the other wherein I am seen as cool or acceptable to the other individual within creating a `friendship` limiting myself to expressing myself in/as that character when/as I am around that particular group of individuals or an individual due to the fear of changing myself in/as that character wherein the possibility arises of becoming an outcast to society, of becoming isolated due to not being accepted by the other individual, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not express myself in self honesty wherein as I speak and what I speak I will `gravitate` towards others whom will express themselves in the same manner and have them as a point of `friendship` as who I am within self honesty will relate to the others whom I would `gravitate` towards, and in this realizing that most likely if I do so there will not be too many people in this world whom I would have as `friends` as people whom are consistently in my reality and whom I can communicate with on a consistent basis and that is just something that I will have to face as I walk this point of changing myself in/as communication with other individuals from points of reaction and fear of being accepted/loved into communicating in self honesty with myself and others in/as a stable expression of myself as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create relationships out of a basis of dishonesty within myself, not allowing myself to `be myself` in expression within communication with another being in/as breath and stability and a knowing of who I am in every moment yesterday, today, and tomorrow in each breath that I breathe, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships based on the wants/desires/fears of myself within society and whether or not I will be accepted/loved by society/other individuals and not from a point of stability within myself in/as expressing myself in each breath in self honesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the energy of positivity within communicating with another being, when in fact I am in the experience of fear of negativity, experience of fear of being an outcast or being isolated from other individuals or being rejected by other individuals in/as who I am, and in this to create myself in a way in relation to the relationship character/construct wherein who I am within the relationship construct/character has the best opportunity to be accepted/loved by every individual within society - and in doing so, not allow myself to express myself in self honesty due to the fear, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize/see/understand that when/as I start to communicate in self honesty with myself and other individuals whom I will interact with will change, whom I interact with will be people whom I relate to/with within self honesty and can from there develop and create effective relationships with others as I allow myself to create the effective relationship with myself in/as communication within self honesty with others, and in this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that who I am within this relationship character is who I am within the relationship with myself and thus who I've been with myself has not been based within self honesty in/as what I would truly like to express within myself here in the physical free from fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself, fear seeing me, fear expressing me, fear allowing myself out of the limits that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within due to the fear of not being accepted/loved by other individuals brought on by being smacked as a kid when/as I expressed myself how I wanted to in the moment when/as I called my parent a jerk for calling me a jerk, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up from the fear of being hit, being isolated, being exiled, being isolated from other individuals from what/how I would/will express myself in self honesty with other beings and myself, stand up within/as the memory of being hit as a kid, and walking through the fear of being exiled, isolated, an outcast, or `punished` from what/how I express myself in/as self honesty in each breath that I breathe, in each word that I speak, in each action that I live physically here - and in this to not realize that this point is not about others and who I am with others, but others as myself and who I am with myself in/as the lack of expression within self honesty with myself in each breath, in each action I live, in each word that I speak with/as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for the energy in/as the belief of who I am as energy as thought instead of seeing/realizing/understanding that who I am in here in breath and in/as breath and existing here within the physical is within self honesty and when/as I am in a reactionary mode of positivity created out of fear then that is a program, that is a developed point over time imprinted into the physical body in which I live within and activate based on thoughts/wants/emotions/desires/fears created within the past in which I loop over and over within, limiting myself in expression extensively
I realize that this is going to take more application from myself and practice within to be able to allow myself to become stable in each breath and is going to take more application from myself in separating myself from the internal conversations that I have to allow myself to bring myself back here to breath, and what I've found assisting and supporting within stopping the internal conversations is removing self from the positivity, removing myself from the desire to experience positivity because much, if not all, of the internal conversations revolve around ego and creating that belief of positivity surrounding the ego, and in/as separating myself from the positivity I stop attempting/wanting to create the image of myself as positivity and thus the internal conversations die out because that is what they were there for…
In the Next post I will specifically take apart the relationship character in regards to females where as I stated in the opening paragraph I am not in control of myself within and very reactionary.
Day 297 - The Want for Love/Acceptance Part 8
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the want for sex, the desire for sex to a point where I am not in control/aware of the words that I am speaking but speaking from a possession/obsession within myself wherein all my words/behaviours are reactionary from the want/desire for sex within a relationship
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when communicating with a female whom I am attracted to, go into the relationship character where the who I am within the relationship character is absolutely constructed by the past fears/desires that I've developed to/towards sex/relationships and in this allow myself to speak words in which I do not stand equal to within the physical, but speak from a reactionary point within myself which derives from the fear of acceptance/love from the other individual and in the attempt to make myself seem as attractive as possible to the other to create a best possible chance to create/go into a relationship with the other, allowing myself to live a lie within myself of/as attempting to, as well, make myself believe that the who I am is the relationship character, not allowing myself to be honest with myself in communication with the other as myself and not allow myself to share myself self honestly, within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to start all communication with others in this world from a point of self honesty, all from a point of practicality wherein sharing what I share will be assisting and supporting of myself and the other whom I am communicating with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak to females whom I am attracted to within the relationship character wherein I put on my `best face` and act within such definition
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when in the relationship character, play around with the other within emotions and feelings wherein I allow this personality to take over and speak things in which I do not stand physically behind but attempt to please the other within speaking the words, not allowing myself to be honest and stable within myself in communication with the other nor allowing myself to stand stable within myself in/as what I accept and allow within myself and in communication
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the relationship character when speaking to a female that I am attracted to and attempt to receive love/acceptance from the other individual for what I present myself as within/as the relationship character, attempt to receive the love/acceptance that was lacking within my childhood within the relationship to my parent due to being hit, in this attempting to create a positive outlook on myself in which I have the best chance to be accepted/loved by the person whom I am attracted to, instead of allowing myself to stand here with myself in acceptance and love of myself within living that which is best for all live, meaning that as I live that which is best for all life and support life in all ways within myself and this world accept myself within that which I am living, and love myself, not in the energetical sense, but within giving myself and all others as myself that which I would like to receive = love thy neighbour as thyself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within dissatisfaction within myself in/as communicating with another individual wherein I react in a negative sense wherein I do not `feel loved` or accepted by the other that in fact I am not being honest with myself in/as the relationship with the other individual, and within the dissatisfaction to realize that I must change myself in how/what I live within that moment to give satisfaction to myself in communication with the other as myself and not deceive or manipulate my words to make myself seem grandeur, but to remain stable and grounded in/as the words that I speak and the interactions that I live
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not bring the point of communicating with another in/as the relationship character back to myself in/as seeing myself within the relationship of communication and interaction with myself in the specific points related to the character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ground myself when/as communicating with females, grounding myself within remaining stable and not altering my words/interactions/behaviours when communicating with the other, and in this communicate when/as it is necessary, and not only communicate for the points of positivity of/as love/acceptance, meaning communicate when there is actually something to say, instead of `bullshitting` within communication about irrelevant topics that are not what is best for all, as I am responsible for the words that I speak and the interactions that I make and at the end of this life I must live with myself in every moment, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to alter my words/interactions all for a moment of positivity or for a moment of sex, wherein I am not respecting the life of the physical, not giving myself a dignified life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the individual whom I am communicating with in which I am attracted to will fear me, not accept me, not `love` me when I am sharing myself within self honesty, and in this not realize that I will not create a stable effective relationship with myself nor with the other, and that if I were to communicate within self honesty, I would allow myself to meet someone whom would see me for me and not the character that I put on within communicating with another whom I am attracted to, and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate with all others self honestly in breath and stability within grounding myself so that those that I do in fact communicate with are standing on `equal` ground in/as communication with myself, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect this from others and not give this to myself unconditionally and allow myself to simply be here with myself, walking myself in each breath, bringing myself back to myself in each breath in/as the question of what I would in fact like to live as life in this world and what I can give to others and myself in this world living within the principle of what is best for all life here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, from the want/desire for sex and or be accepted/loved by another individual allow myself to react within the relationship character wherein the starting point for this character is not necessarily the want of, but the fear of lack of, and in this, not give myself that which I am fearing lacking coming from the other individual so that I am able to give myself stability and remain grounded, and not alter my words/interactions so that I have the best chance to receive that which I am fearing lacking from the other be it acceptance/love within much of my communication or sex within the specific communication with an individual whom I am attracted to, and in this remain stable when/as I give these points to myself in/as living application of myself here within the physical
I commit myself to when/as I am reacting within the want for positivity in communication with another individual to bring myself back to myself in stability and in breath wherein I stop myself in communication and/or slow myself down within communication so that I do not react with words but speak them here as me, physically lived in application of each word
I realize that I must change the relationship with myself in seeing myself to self honesty and apply myself moreso within self honesty of that which I am actually living and applying in my life and ground myself with myself in satisfaction in/as the interaction/relationship with myself wherein I create and live self love/self acceptance of myself in that which I am living, meaning accept myself in each of the interactions within living that which is best for all and within living that which is best for all `love` myself by giving myself and other that which is best for all and within this explore the point of what is best for all within communication and interaction in my reality and life
I commit myself to practicing grounding myself in communication with all others as myself and calm myself down within communication with others so that I am not communicating within the starting point of energy, but communicating from practical physical communication with the other being and in this stop myself from communicating for happiness/positivity/love/acceptance within seeing the others reaction to my words/interactions and remain stable within myself by accepting myself in/as the words that I speak and my interactions
I commit myself to when/as communicating with females to calm myself down from the energy and stop the want for energy within acceptance/love from the other, and stop myself within communicating from/as the want for sex by changing my starting point in communication with females to practical physical application in/as support of what is best for all life and not from the want for self interest in which I realize my communication and interactions with females will completely change and for a while I will not be talking to too many girls as I change and recreate myself in the interactions with others and myself to support what is best for all
I commit myself to working within myself in/as stopping the reactions/wants for positivity within communication within the want for love/acceptance and in this bring myself back to myself in self honesty wherein I see myself within what I am living and stop myself from creating a positive veil over myself and when/as I see myself creating this positive veil within internal conversations and/or thoughts, separate myself from the internal conversation and thoughts and unconditionally let them go, bring myself back to myself her within breath and walk what I must walk here within breath in/as responsibility in this lifetime to give/support/and create that which is best for all life