Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Day 298 - Imagination/Backchat/Abuse

This is one point in which I have plagued myself with throughout the time that I have been walking process, and have found little to no change of myself within it, the only change that I approach within the imagination and backchat there within the fantasize about desires is when I take a good look at myself and look at what I am participating in within imagining scenarios based off of a point in my reality and construct the scenarios out of desire which are not based on reality and while doing so, backchatting about what/who I would be within the scenario and create the scenario to fulfill a specific desire within myself and come to a disappointing realization of myself and become dissatisfied with myself and from there approach the change of myself within the imagination, backchat and the abuse within imagining a scenario to fulfill the desire within the mind where I believe that I am `free` to do that which I would like

So to expand on the point of imagination, backchat and the abuse there within what I do when I do this is when a point emerges within my reality in which has the potential to fulfill a desire within myself I will start to imagine scenarios in which I can manipulate, create, and alter and `live out` specific desires within myself - this point is especially prevalent when it comes to relationships and the want for attention to satisfy the ego, and as I create and backchat about the scenarios based off of altering of a point in my reality within the imagination I start to define the relationship between myself and the other, or the point or the object based off of the imagining of the point in which I become afraid of allowing myself to expose myself in the backchat and when/as I start to communicate with the being in which I've backchatted I will become nervous/anxious and `jittery` around the other in the fear of having the backchat exposed through the words that I speak with that individual, and if that point is exposed I fear the embarrassment of what I've thought about the other and what I've created in the imagination about/of the other, or the event, or the point - point meaning things like imagining excelling within school and getting to the final point in which I have a career and am `successful` - and I allow myself to continuously manipulate and backchat about the point and what it would be like within the imagination and have given a lot of faith within imagination into creating reality and basing myself, through imagination, within reality - wherein all that I see of myself within the imagination of myself I believe that I am even though the physical reality clearly shows that this is not so.

What I can see this point being related to is when I was in my late teens I created psychosis through the assistance of marijuana and allowed myself to go into the imagination and create thousands upon thousands of definitions of myself and the `who I was` within each scenario and allowed myself to believe that these definitions/scenarios/imaginations were real - but it was not so - I mean within psychosis I made myself belief that I was a `god` I was an `anti-christ` that I was an all powerful being, that I was nothing, that I was living a life in which I would be successful and that I was important within, I allowed myself to start to imagine what my life meant, imagine what would happen to myself in certain specific scenarios based off of a created belief of numbers - meaning that within seeing numbers or signs at a specific given time/event/scenario than that `meant` something and that I would consequently live it out because that was `fate` so to speak. I went far into the imagination within that period of time and find that I still participate in imagination in the same way when I backchat and imagine scenarios about who I will be within relationships, about how a relationship would develop, imagining what I would be as a partner to the other, or who I would be as a friend to the other, much of this to satisfy the ego in imagining the scenarios in which I attribute belief and faith within, faith that it is real, faith that somehow/someway it will manifest and create my reality, and I still find myself participating a lot within imagination - I mean to the extent that I do not see the physical reality most of the time, I only see the holographic image within the mind of that which I am imagining, and that is a fucked up point. A Fascinating point about myself within psychosis is that as I was talking to a support worker I was sharing him the `meanings` and `purposes` that I was imagining about the numbers or signs or events in which I attributed meaning to and he said, "Yes, I've heard it all before", and in that moment I was like `wow` it's not real at all - I am not `special` in any way for these things, and in that moment I started to let it go, and within this I can deduce that the imagining of myself in these scenarios is because of my want to feel special/important/valued in this lifetime and the only way I can do so is through creating the imaginary scenarios to live within and give belief/faith to in order to live out that desire of myself, which again is not real

In looking at this point I see that each moment that I have `down time` in which I am not directing myself I go into the imagination, take a point from reality, manipulate it, alter it, create a scenario and backchat about the person/event and utilize the imagination to fulfill a desire of mine, a large desire is a point of a relationship, but how can I have a stable relationship when who I am within a relationship and the definition of/as the relationship is based of imagination? …I can't because who I am is not real, nor self honest in any way, because within imagining who I am, I am not being self honest of `who I am`. And in looking at this point yesterday and seeing with a bit more clarity of the point, how subtle I've been doing this within myself, subtle at certain points, subtle when I am speaking to the individual, wherein I am imagining that if I say this word, or if I am this way, then something will be of consequence of that word/action, for example in speaking to my parent yesterday as I was speaking, I imagined that if I am nice, and pleasant around her then that will create an `easier` relationship, and in that moment imagined myself being pleasant and `nice` and imagined what/how that relationship would develop by myself being nice/pleasant and what it would lead to etc, and this was all within a breath, it was very quick, and this quickness is what I mean as subtlety as I have not been equally as quick to catch myself doing it and have allowed myself to continue to create such imaginings, and abuse relationships to fit my desires and self interests, and in doing so I hide, a lot, from myself and the others, hide my actions, attempt to hide the thoughts, hide the backchat, hide the desires, and exist in a state of fear of them being exposed around the other through the fear of being embarrassed about myself in the imaginations and backchats I've created and allowed towards the specific individual, event - and in this I've worked on hiding myself, isolating myself from others, not being open in communication with others, so that one, I didn't need to face myself if these backchats came out, and so that I could continue within the imagination in isolation where I `could` be `free` to imagine all I want. It is `scary` to see how delusional I've become by allowing myself to give faith to imagination and how I am not based in reality whatsoever, but am within special beliefs within imagination for the majority of the time

A Practical point within this that I can assist and support myself for the time being is to stop placing value/faith within the imagination and walk points here within the physical in breath and practicality, because as I allow myself to imagine such points as walking through school I will bring that imagining into a faith and as I place faith within the imagination, not live or act upon that which I need to do physically to assist and support myself within school, and so by walking the assistance and support of walking the points physically here in breath I stop myself from imagining things and hoping/living on the imagination and that `fate` will take it's course

More to come in the next post

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