Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Day 299 - Imagination Vs Living


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a world within the mind where I am god, where I am the creator of all, where I have control over everything through imagination, through creating made up scenarios, events, conversations, which I can alter or manipulate how I please to fulfill hidden desires within myself, desires of love, desires of sex, desires of acceptance, desires of being the center of attention and within imagination create the idealization of these desires manifested through the imagination in which I give faith and belief to that it is real, it exists, it will somehow become the physical, not realizing/seeing/understanding that that which I imagine is all made up, is all a lie, and is irrelevant to the physical and the relationships/functions of the physical reality between myself and all life and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become quite obsessively delusional by participating in the imagination on a daily basis, where I create/develop holographic images/pictures in which I `live` out within the imagination, and give faith, give belief, give value, give hope within, - becoming delusional because that which I've created in the imagination is not real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put faith into my imagination, meaning place value within my imagination, place consideration into my imagination, place hope that that which I imagine will come to reality and allow myself to live it out, place a sense of reality within my imagination wherein that which I imagine believe is based on reality, believe is a `sense` of reality when it certainly is not in fact shown through my period of `psychosis` throughout my teenage years where I imagined a lot of things and put faith and belief that they were real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the importance of being here in breath in stability here in the physical to be able to work within creating/living relationships here within the physical that are best for all life, because when/as I participate in imagination the relationships are not based on physical reality, not based on what reality is, but my `version` of reality and the inherit desires that exist within the imagination which is not reality based, but based in delusion, based on a made up belief/scenario/event of the relationship between myself and another/object/situation, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to the imagination as that is where things happen `immediately` and I do not have to `wait` for them to exist in the physical - I can simply create them in a moment, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not find the patience within myself, to not give myself patience to be here with myself in the physical in the slowness of the breath, in the slowness of walking what is here within the physical and walking relationships here within the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I am not directing myself within the physical go into my imagination and fantasize about desires that I have and create scenarios/events where I can participate in `living out` those desires/fantasies and by giving faith and belief to the imagination of those desires/fantasies, separate myself here with myself in the physical and separate myself from the relationship of life here in the physical through allowing the relationships that I exist with here in the physical in all life here in the physical to be based off of imagination and the desires within the imagination and in doing so attempt to live out the imagination here in the physical by manipulating/deceiving and abusing the relationships here within the physical in attempts to live out the desires that I've created within the imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about what I imagine and what I create within the imagination and fear exposing myself within the imagination, fear seeing myself in what I am really imagining in my imagination and in this fear, keep the backchat secret, keep the internal desires secret, keep the imaginings secret from others and live in a perpetual state of fear of having those backchats/imaginations come to `light` within the point that I've imagined about - meaning having the other know what I've been creating within the mind about them, having the situation occur that I've imagined, but primarily having the other find out what I've imagined about them - and even as I type those words there is a fear/nervousness/anxiety coming up within me related to the fear of having the imaginations exposed to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create backchats and conversations within the imagination where I live out desires, create scenarios about myself and another or an event or a situation that I can make myself believe to be who I am within that imagining, and by believing that I am what I make myself perceive myself to be within the imagining, create a false sense of self through allowing the imaginings to become the definition of the ego in which I give faith and belief to by allowing myself to participate in the imagination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that what I am creating within the imagination only allows myself to separate myself from the physical reality and how things in fact operate and exist within the relationships here within the physical reality, and thus I am separating myself from the physical reality each time I allow myself to go into the imagination and start creating images /scenarios/play outs of desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remain stable in breath, but to allow myself to wander off into my imagination and start to think about random scenarios which I would like to be in - that have a context of a desire that I have not been self honest about - allowing myself to waste time away each moment I spend within the mind imagining things instead of remaining directive of myself in the physical reality by bringing myself back to breath

More to come in the next post

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