Saturday, March 2, 2013

Day 301 - Imagining Desires


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I have spare time, go into thoughts about desires and start backchatting/imagining what it would be like in those scenarios, one of these desires is a relationship, which essentially is sex, wherein I allow myself to imagine communication with someone in my reality whom I am attracted to and imagine having a `nice` conversation where happiness is the main emotions involved and as I do this this allow myself to influence myself with happiness through generating the happiness within the internal conversation and imagining of myself in the scenario of talking with a specific person whom I am attracted to in my reality, not realizing or seeing that I am abusing the relationship with the other person because as I allow myself to imagine myself in that scenario and as the time comes within the physical where I speak to the person I will attempt to create the feeling of happiness with the other individual in which I do abuse and manipulate the other being by attempting to get what I want out of the situation - where I developed that want and the `method` of getting that want through the imagination - instead of speaking to the other without any preconceptions or ideas about our interactions and speak with them as equals about what is here in front of us as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what sex would be like with a person whom I am attracted to in my life, imagine what/how that would manifest within utilizing words in the mind, imagining what words would `spark` that scenario, and as I give faith and belief to that scenario of words and images within the mind believe that it has a point of value as `real` and as I speak with that person, if I decide to, utilize those words and/or actions to attempt to manifest the desire within the physical, not realizing or seeing the absolute abusive that I've been allowing myself to participate in through allowing myself to imagine such things about sex with a person I am attracted to, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not value the other individual as a person, as a being, and give to them as I would like to receive as I am directly with them in the physical and allow myself to communicate openly and honestly with them without the fear of the imagination coming through in my words, or the fear of being exposed with the imaginings that I've allowed myself to participate in, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand how I've been abusive to others in this lifetime by allowing myself to imagine how sex would be like and/or how scenarios would lead to sex by imagining them and giving value and faith to them being a valid form of reality, and then attempting to live out those words/actions that would lead to sex and/or happiness within communication with the other, or lead to an attraction of them to me, wherein I can, hopefully, create that which I've been imagining within sex/relationship, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that the words/scenarios/situations that I create in the imagination have no basis on reality or how the other will see/view those words, it is only how I see/view those words and obviously I am creating those scenarios within the imagination so it is easy for myself to make that shit up where I can place myself as the other within the imagination and make that which I am desiring, and to not see/realize/understand that I cannot yet be trusted with life as I have not been supporting that which is best for all within communication with another individual but attempting to create my self interest in communication with the other individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself in these imaginations, because I've wanted to keep them secret, keep them hidden within the mind so that I can continue imagining them, continue to keep the desires of the individual whom I am attracted to secret from them, and in this fear allow myself to become nervous and anxious each time that I speak to them - from the fear of having these imaginings come to light with the other individual and so as I communicate with them, watch my words, watch my reactions, watch my interactions with the other individual not out of supporting that which is best for all but from the starting point of fear of exposing myself, fear of them seeing what I've imagined/created and what I am attempting to create within the physical and by doing this allow myself to not express myself unconditionally, equally with the other person, but only from a point of attempting to manifest my self interest created in the imagination of/to that individual

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as the imaginations do not come true, revolt in the opposite polarity where I become aggravated and irritated with the other individual because the imaginations are not coming true and when/as I see/believe them to not be manifesting want to break the imaginations so that I stop fucking with myself by breaking off communication/interaction with the other being because I am not getting what I wanted, not realizing that this is where/how I've broke many relationships in my reality, due to the imagining of myself within them, imagining scenarios of/as the relationships and, obviously through the imaginings not being based on reality, but on desire and delusion, because when/as reality shows me what reality is, react in resentment or spitefulness and allow myself to live/behave in a different way wherein I purposely break down the relationship with the other and separate all ties with the other so that I do not have to face/see what I've been creating/doing within the mind and as well so that I can continue on within the mind and not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to break off the relationship with the other when I bring the imagination back to reality and see that is has been completely delusional, and when seeing it as not being based on reality, and not get what I've wanted within the desires and imagining of the desires, want to break all ties with the person in which I've attempted to create the desires with, just so that I can continue on in the imagination where I've given value to the `reality` that I've created there and allowed myself to live within where I am `free` to create what I want, not facing or understanding the consequence of myself participating in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel resentful for the imagination not being manifested in reality, instead of bringing it back to myself and understanding that what I've been doing and living within is an illusion and delusional and not based on reality itself, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that opportunity to change myself from living in the imagination and birthing myself into living here in the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not share or expose the desires that I am imagining about the other person but attempt to keep them secret, attempt to keep them hidden from eyes other than my own, but with that being said, I am still hiding them from myself because I am not facing them but continuing to blindly participate in them, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about what I've imagined about another person based on sex and/or a relationship and in this embarrassment attempt to keep my view or perception of myself alive, also that which I've imagined, by not exposing this point to myself nor anyone else in my reality

I commit myself to pushing through the fear of being embarrassed about that which I've been thinking and imagining based on the desires that I've kept to myself, hidden within the secret mind, and push myself, using this tool of writing to share, much more specifically, about the desires that I've hidden and my actions within/as them

I commit myself to debunking the desire for sex and a relationship and stop myself from participating in the thought as it arises within me, stop myself from going further in the thought into imagination and stop myself from developing and creating scenarios within the imagination which I attempt to manifest by utilizing words/actions/scenarios to create the imagined desire, and to in this realize that all that I've imagined has only ever been my own creation void of anything of reality because I've literally created it to suit/fit my own desires thus I `have` absolute control within it to alter/create the scenarios to fit the desire which is not based on reality or who the other person is but simply that which I want

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into the experience of happiness or good feelings within the imagination and sticking to what is here in front of me in breath, sticking to what is practical here in breath and as I stick to breath here, direct myself here in breath, direct myself in the physical in practicality of the moment, and stop myself from allowing myself to be directed by the mind wherein I allow myself to go into the imagination and separate myself from the physical reality by creating the holographic images/scenarios and imagine myself within/as them and create/alter them to fit a desire of mine

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