Monday, March 4, 2013
Day 302 - Disappointment
The past few days I've been quite disappointed at how I've been living, what I've been living, just seeing it all at once basically, and what my actions could've been, what I could've lived and how I could have approached school, work, relationships in a better way - essentially could've approached my life in a better way - a way of support rather than fucking around in it. In this disappointment I am angry at myself for fucking around instead of directing myself in my life/living and all the points that I've fucked around in come up at once and I become quiet and recede from talking to people, I separate myself from all others and basically go into this bubble where I can be angry with myself and hate on myself. I see that as I am disappointed in myself I still allow myself to remain undirective of myself which creates the spiral of disappointment upon further disappointment because as I allow myself to remain undirective of myself when I feel disappointed in how I've been living, I use things to escape that disappointment be it sleep, or entertainment, or socializing with others - anything to escape facing myself in the disappointment that I feel towards myself which causes more disappointment because that which I've been disappointed in myself over is the lack of direction and the actions that I've been living within self interest and when I sleep to avoid disappointment of myself I build upon that disappointment because I still remain undirective of myself in/as the responsibilities that I've been procrastinating and thus cause more disappointment
The disappointment is like a weight on me, I do not want to do much when I am disappointed in myself, kinda want to sit and brood within myself over the self loathing and self hate that is part of the disappointment, because I know that if I were to talk to someone in that moment I would go into another character when communicating with other people of `happiness` or positivity, put on a smile and move away from that disappointment, so in this I purposely allow myself to go further into disappointment and within disappointment I allow myself to further disappoint myself by not directing myself and continuing within the spiral that I created the disappointment within.
So why this disappointment? I am disappointed in myself because I have not seen myself change absolutely within points of sex/masturbation, taking care of myself in diabetes, being diligent in application of myself in school, remaining stable in myself over point I've committed myself to, because I allow myself to procrastinate still, I mean I look at my life and what I've been allowing myself to live and become disappointed at the entirety of a lack of movement of myself into completion in any given point simple due to a lack of self will, or simply due to a willingness to give into energy or a want or a desire - want and desire specifically pertaining to sex/relationships - and not giving myself the ability to stand absolutely in any given point and this disappointment is built upon many moments of such instances over the time that I've decided to walk process, the disappointment/anger in myself is builds upon every moment that I've become disappointed in myself or angry at myself and each time that I allow myself to fall all points previous to that fall are accumulated and built into that new moment of disappointment, and thus the disappointment that I've felt the past few days has been the accumulation of points in the past where I simply have not stood stable in my decisions to change a point of myself and have remained undirective of myself in/as that point of change/decision. Another point within this disappointment is that I will only allow this for however long I wait until I direct myself and then it disappears and I will soon forget about the disappointment and when I feel good about something and allow myself to procrastinate on a responsibility to indulge in the good feeling I will quickly repeat this pattern of disappointment the moment I am out of that experience of positivity or feeling good because as I look at what I've procrastinated within or didn’t direct responsibility within I will be angry/disappointed in myself for not directing myself
What I see as important in feeling disappointment towards myself in continuing to move myself even if I feel disappointed in myself, continuing to direct myself in responsibilities, direct myself in stopping procrastinating or waiting for consequence to manifest before I direct myself, and as the point of responsibility is here to direct myself within something, move on that immediately and not wait for myself or something else to exist, such as consequence or the lack of a feeling of disappointment, before I direct myself, just simply move within the point and walk it into its immediacy - that point is related to disappointment on points of school and writing in result of self interest and procrastination, meaning the disappointment in myself for procrastinating writing or procrastinating studying to entertain myself or sleep.
In regards to disappointment within who I am in relationships and what I've allowed myself to participate in in regards to desires/wants from within a relationship it is to understand how I've created the disappointment and by seeing why I am disappointed in myself move myself into a point of correction…meaning as I face myself in the wants/desires within a relationship understand and see myself in the want/desire and how I've lived upon the point of desire and not in support of life of the other or myself and in doing so correct the point from the `pit` of disappointment.
I will Continue in the next post