Monday, March 4, 2013
Day 303 - Moving Through Disappointment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when disappointed in myself not move myself in the physical in practical application of myself to continue to move on my responsibilities as a human in this life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see past the anger in myself when I feel disappointed in myself by replaying all the points in the past where I've felt the same disappointment due to the same patterns that I've been living such as sleeping to escape responsibilities, allowing myself to sleep too long missing basal insulin injections, or to entertain myself instead of studying or working on a point of responsibility, and in this disappointment of myself continue to live in the same patterns and habits in which I initially became disappointed in myself allowing myself to continue within a spiral of disappointment and self loathing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this disappointment in myself is not worth the momentary lack in responsibility where I live within self interest, or that the momentary energy from living in self interest is not worth myself feeling disappointed in myself and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that I am going to have to make the choice to move myself and walk myself out of the disappointment in myself, meaning that it is not going to disappear if I attempt to avoid it for long enough because it is that evasion of myself in which I become disappointed, evasion of responsibility, evasion of self honesty, evasion of dedication towards commitments, and that the longer I avoid myself facing myself the `worse` the disappointment is going to be
I commit myself to stopping myself from living the patterns and habits in which I become disappointed in myself because I realize that in this life I have to life with myself and I question myself what is the point in living in disappointment for allowing myself to live momentarily in self interest, I realize that this is not the life that I want to live and this choice I must make for myself in absolution wherein I make the decision to stop myself from living such ways to stop myself from recreating this pattern of disappointment and self sabotage in my life
I realize that moving myself out of disappointment is like moving something that does not want to move and thus I see that to be hard on myself in this moment will not create a lasting solution nor will it give me the opportunity to walk myself eternally in stopping, forevermore, the feeling of disappointment by allowing myself to slack off, and that in this I realize that I must gently push myself to walk myself out of disappointment, not necessarily walk myself out of to the polar opposite feeling, but to walk within disappointment of myself to continue to walk points of responsibility and to stop myself from continuing the pattern of disappointment by evading points of responsibility by allowing myself to entertain myself for a moment to avoid the disappointment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about ways that I could live in which I would be satisfied with myself in how I would be living within those imaginings and in this thought process and imagination process give myself a sense of satisfaction by generating and allowing feelings to come within those images and illusions projected/created within the mind and as those feelings come up and the sense of satisfaction or the enticing image of myself living in those points give into that feeling and sense of satisfaction wherein I believe that I am now satisfied with myself just through the imagining of such things, not realizing or seeing in the moment of imagining ways to live that I would be satisfied with myself as a human that I am not in fact LIVING those things for real here in the physical and only delusionally participating in a sense of satisfaction of myself due to the images and beliefs I've allowed and created within those imaginings and that in this real self satisfaction comes from living those points here in the physical in breath and in APPLICATION, not just from imagining such things, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become disappointed in myself when/as I do not live those imaginings of satisfaction that I've created and believed in and given faith to myself to live those imaginings, allowing myself to cycle quite easily and quickly from one polarity to another simply through allowing myself to believe and give faith to the imaginings of what I would live within self satisfaction
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about what I would like to live in my life and in that thought and the imagining of how/what I would live in that specific scenario/desire allow myself to give myself a false sense of satisfaction due to the faith in myself that somehow/somewhere I will live the point into the physical reality, not realizing or seeing that the I've given my physical movement of living that point up to the mind through allowing myself to feel satisfied, to give faith to the image, give faith to the mind and thoughts that eventually I will live that point here in the physical reality, in fact abdicating my responsibility here in breath as physical life to walk that point to give myself real physical satisfaction that does not waver, does not go through the polarity of disappointment and satisfaction but remains stable as I integrate it here as me in breath in the physical lived application of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that as I am thinking about applying something in my life I am not in fact living or applying it in my life but only imagining what/how to apply it, and in this I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to give myself a feeling of satisfaction through imagining what I would like to live/apply in my life to bring myself to self satisfaction in how I live and what I live in each breath in which I delude myself into giving faith to the image and the thoughts about what/how I would like to live/apply myself in this life and then never actually living it/applying it - enslaving myself to the imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when/as I've worked on a responsibility for a small amount of time or only just started to initially apply myself in living the responsibility here as me in breath in the physical give into the satisfaction that I'm `living` it now here, failing to see and understand that it's only been but a moment and I still have time to walk through to make sure that I stand in the point that I am applying responsibility within, and within this satisfaction allow myself to fall into the same repeated patterns that I've lived that I've been disappointed in myself for living - allowing myself to spiral and loop consistently and constantly throughout application of myself in any point of responsibility, and in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel satisfied that I've momentarily lived a point of responsibility or application of myself and in this feeling of satisfaction this false sense of satisfaction, allow myself to waver immediately in my application of myself in the point
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remove the feeling of satisfaction from the mind, but come to trust it and believe in it and give faith that I will live it eventually `when the time comes` instead of removing the feeling of satisfaction from the mind and living it here in the physical wherein when/as satisfaction exists is when results exist that are what is best for all life, when the results from the physical application of myself exist here in the physical in/as my life result in a dignified life and results that support all life
I commit myself to in immediacy, letting go of the feeling of satisfaction when I work on a point of responsibility and/or start to walk points of responsibility, and only allow satisfaction when it is REAL, meaning when there is clear visible results in the physical resultant of the point that I have walked and in this stop myself from the polarity of the feelings of satisfaction and disappointment and allow satisfaction to be real, lived, and clear in results in the physical
I commit myself to stopping the feeling of satisfaction when I imagine a point to live/change within, and when/as I think about a point to live/apply in my life, I stop, I breathe, I bring that point here as me in the physical and let it go, because as I see at the moment that if I were to hold onto the thought of what I could do, it still remains as a Could allowing myself to fantasize and imagine the coulds and woulds of that thought(s), and so in this I commit myself to letting go of the thought immediately regarding a point I could live, and in this use the physical as a reference point to see clearly what I could live, and as I look at the physical in what I could live walk it immediately within seeing the one point, not allowing myself to imagine it, not allowing myself to think about it `more` than the one breath it took me to see it.
I commit myself to stop putting faith in myself that I will `eventually` live the point that I would like to implement in my living, and when/as the opportunity comes to live it here in the physical push myself gently to start the point and continue on with the point until there is real satisfaction lived through results here in the physical in which life is supported