Thursday, March 7, 2013

Day 304 - Disappointment and Being Hard on Myself

I've been purposely placing myself in the position of disappointment for the last couple of days to give myself more of an understanding of myself being disappointed in myself and I've found that this is where I am the `hardest` on myself. I am very hard on myself when I am disappointed in myself, like completely angry at myself for not living up to my expectations of myself in which I feel disappointed in myself.

What I found is that if I do not do something that I had expected of myself such as writing this blog or being diligent in testing blood sugar or doing some other task/responsibility I will hold that over my head as a burden placed on myself the moment I decide to give up on that task or responsibility, and be an asshole towards myself for not doing it. So when I have a moment to contemplate what I decided to not do within a day or what I forgot or what I've not been living, I take that opportunity to decide whether or not I am disappointed in myself, and if I do decide to be disappointed in myself I will go into this state of not wanting to do anything else, not want to move myself in any task or responsibility and either sleep or entertain myself to avoid facing the disappointment and, if continued, depression within myself regarding what I am living and what I decided to do with myself in a day, it was like an immediate reaction to the emotion of being disappointed in myself, because as I allowed this yesterday and as I stood there for a moment looking at the thoughts regarding the burden of disappointment and responsibility, I in that moment of the thoughts running through me, became immediately tired and wanted to sleep or to entertain myself or do something to avoid facing the disappointment in myself, and as I stood there looking at the thoughts I said I do not want to go into this and stopped the thoughts and backchat of not doing that which I expected of myself to do and in that one moment of deciding who I was I didn't feel tired any longer, I did need, nor want to escape myself and I allowed myself to be here with myself standing with myself. I still did not continue on with the responsibility, I allowed myself to read.

In this I see disappointment related to the expectations I've had of myself and simply the thought that suggests that I am `bad` for not doing the responsibility, and it was `easy` in that one moment to let the thought of being bad for not working on the blog go, I say `easy` because it was literally a simple decision of who I was within that moment, and in this past I didn't see this because my `vision` was completely narrowed in the feeling of disappointment and anger towards myself, I didn't allow myself to see that I was creating this for myself and I was literally creating myself in that moment within feeling disappointed.

IT is in this point of disappointment in which I realize is where/how I've been extensively hard on myself for what I've been living in my life and within this point of disappointment is where/how I've not allowed myself to change because in each moment that I accepted myself being disappointed with myself I did not want to face the disappointment and wanted to sleep almost immediately and avoid, in any possible way, facing and solving the consequences of the disappointment, and from this point of disappointment I've only ever looked for a moment of satisfaction of myself where I can say to myself that I am satisfied with my living - only to allow that point of satisfaction become the disappointment in myself later on as I repeat the cycle, and have never considered satisfaction as a real living application of myself where when satisfaction exists results exist that are what is best for all life.

Obviously this cycle must stop as it is not what is best for myself as life because as I am disappointed in myself I go into a extensive reaction of anger of myself and this causes many problems on the body - especially the heart - and in being a diabetic I am pre-disposed to heart problems due to the fluctuation of sugar levels in the blood passing through the heart causing, over time, a weak heart. So in this I ask myself where do I start on this point. Is it to continually move myself within the points of responsibility in each moment to never face the point of disappointment? Or is it to relax with myself and allow myself to step back from it all once and a while a breathe for a bit, just doing nothing expect being here with myself? For the moment I see it as a combination of the two solutions wherein when/as I cannot do the tasks and duties that I've set out to do, to just simply not do so…hmm the one point that I am not considering is when I am disappointed in myself for participating in self interest - Meaning that when/as I participate in self interest and abdicate a point of responsibility and accordingly become disappointed in myself.

In the point of self interest I suppose it is simply not participating in it, stopping it in a breath and directing myself, and this point of self interest I, at the moment, within the mind, am struggling to `get my head around` like letting it go completely and making the decision in absolution to not participate in self interest. When I say self interest I speak from the point of playing video games or watching a movie when there are things that I can direct myself within and do within a moment, I mean during the week every moment of my time is directed in points of responsibility, I go to work, then go to school, then do homework, then sleep, wake up and write the blog, record sugar readings for the day and then again go to work and repeat - and when I do this each moment of my time is `spent` in a lack of self interest because there simply is no time for myself to allow any moment of self interest to occupy my time in order for me to be able to consistently and effectively manage everything, yet when there is time to `spare` I willingly participate in self interest and if I do - that one moment and decision - leads to the next moment and decision which can spiral and escalate very quickly from my experience within it to an abdication and `giving up` points of responsibility. So in writing this - during the week days I am fine with letting go of self interest in order to focus on studies, work and blogging/supporting myself as life, and when I will play video games, or entertain myself instead of directing myself within a responsibility this is when the disappointment kicks in and this is where/how the cycle continues because as previously states when I am disappointed I do not direct myself - I will sleep or further continue participation in video games or entertaining myself to avoid the disappointment and anger within myself which only cycles the problem in which I am hard on myself for participating in….shit, it feels like I've written about this one point a million times…

I will continue further in the next post

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